Why am I feeling like this when nothing bad has ever happened to me?
It is not uncommon at the beginning of therapy for clients to say: “I don’t understand why I’m feeling like this; nothing bad has ever happened to me.” They do not remember experiencing what might be considered to be a major trauma, yet they know that their relationship to themselves, others and the world is in some way impaired – perhaps they feel triggered in certain situations, or avoid people or situations in order to avoid being triggered; perhaps they have developed addictions or other unwanted behavioural strategies, or maybe they just feel detached.
If any of the above resonates for you, it is likely that your symptoms reflect childhood survival patterns which developed very early in life, in response to family dynamics. Your childhood may not necessarily have been “traumatic” in the usual sense of the word; however, your parents’ lack of attunement to your childhood needs may have had a long-term impact on the way you experience yourself in the world.
Parents and caregivers are, by and large, well-intentioned and do not intend to do harm.
However, if they have their own unresolved relational traumas and are unable to regulate their stress, they may not be fully equipped to attune to their children’s needs or to tolerate their children’s perfectly normal emotions. They may at times be unavailable and neglectful or critical or unpredictable. Such ruptures, if they occur frequently enough or over a long period of time, or if they are not repaired, can have a significant impact on children.
Young children are dependent on their primary caregivers for safety, security and care, without which they would not survive. Children’s need to attach to their caregivers is therefore very strong. Where it is not safe to attach, children learn that they will only get their survival needs met if they behave in certain ways, perhaps by suppressing certain emotions or parts of themselves that they perceive are unacceptable to their parents. They will learn behavioural strategies such as people-pleasing or perfectionism in order to gain their parents’ attention or approval and to avoid conflict. These strategies may persist into adulthood and unhealthy patterns such as addictions may also develop as a way of dealing with painfully suppressed needs and emotions and a sense that they are only acceptable if they think, feel and act in particular ways.
Attachment-informed EMDR (AI-EMDR) draws on the work of Dr Laurel Parnell and aims to identify and repair the specific early attachment ruptures which are impacting on you in the present. These may be subtle and impactful, rather than necessarily “traumatic”. Successful resolution of these early ruptures can make a huge difference to how you experience yourself in the world as an adult, transforming your beliefs about yourself, and in turn, your relationships with others.
If you would like to explore how EMDR or AI-EMDR could help you, please